Aaji

I don't know where to start writing today and don't know where to end. These last 7 days have been the most difficult times of my life so far. Truth be told, it's not me who suffered. It's my grandmother who was at the suffering end of this. She is relieved of her pain now but some of it has been left with us mere mortals. I hope, as they say, that she is in a better place. And is there a better place? I'd like to imagine so. And wherever she is, I hope she is cured of her ugly disease and watching me from up there.

Yes, this is one time I'd like to believe in the myths of our world. It gives me peace knowing that she is present somewhere. It gives me peace in thinking that at least she can see me. That at least we have a one way communication. And I'd also like to believe that she stopped by my house before she left this world. Or I'd regret not being able to meet her forever. (A hug and a kiss would've been really nice by the way!)

Fear, affection, anxiety, anger, sorrow, shock, disappointment and relief! I don't remember the last time I went through a medley of emotions like this.

It started with her getting admitted to the hospital the weekend before this. But the number of times I've known family members being in the hospital was so high that the news didn't hit home. Two days later when they said her condition is quite serious, is when I really woke up. I wanted to fly out to India immediately and made arrangements at work to do so. But before I bought tickets, my family told me that she probably wouldn't make it even to a 48 hour mark. They asked me to stay put and let me do a video chat with her in the ICU. Then too, it was a one way communication. I couldn't see her but she could see me. She couldn't speak but she could hear me. My cousin told me that she waved at me and there was a smile on her face after a really long time. I showed her my new apartment too! She loved it.

After a few hours, she was mostly in and out of coma. I was anxious to leave the American soil and see her before something happened but my family didn't want me to fight a losing battle. They didn't want me to be mid air when she let her last breath out and land only to know that I lost my battle. It makes sense now but who wanted to think sensibly then anyway. I kept refreshing my airline tickets page every few minutes.

I had a couple of more rounds of one way phone communication with her and then she went into a deep sleep. She stopped recognizing family members slowly. When she did regain consciousness for a few hours, she demanded that she be taken home for some time. They took her home, along with her ventilator and oxygen mask, up three flights of stairs, for a visit of 5 minutes. Then back to the hospital, back into coma. I only listened patiently as my cousin updated me of the day's highlights. For those few days, I did not shower, barely ate, had the scariest dreams, skipped a heart beat at every phone ring and woke up every morning full of fear. I didn't know if it was depression or anxiety or fear or all of it. My uncle called me once at night and said,"Say these words to her. Have a peaceful sleep". I couldn't bring myself to say that and I said it as though I wanted to say "take rest" - Sleep peacefully,haan?

Then finally this Sunday, she passed away. I was at a friend's place and was about to drive back home. It was the worst one hour drive I've ever done. I was crying all the way and hoping that I see my aaji in the night sky - waving to me and kissing goodbye. I came home and cried even more, even louder. I missed her. I wanted to hug her before she left. I wanted to sleep next to her before she left, with my arms around her, just like I did when I was a kid. I wanted to talk to her and tell her stories of where I live and the people I know. I wanted to just never, NEVER leave her again. But she was gone. And I couldn't do a thing. No one could.

A couple of months ago, my baby sister(my cousin who is now a doctor and not a baby anymore) told me that nothing could now be done. She patiently explained why my grandmother's illness was beyond any treatment as I pounded her with alternative suggestions. "Could we not do this?" or "Could we not do that and just save her?" But like a mature young lady doctor, she handled each of my questions with great understanding and firm responses. I was so proud of her.

When my grandfather passed away while I was still here in the U.S., I blamed my mother for not letting me know about his health. I went "At least, I could've spoken to him. You guys need to tell me the truth". This time, when I knew the truth and my little cousin was making me face the truth, I didn't want to accept it. May be I never grew up or may be my mother knows better.

Back to this Sunday - My brother informed me of the news via text. In a few minutes, my uncle called and said " I will let you know when to pray for her" and my mom took the phone to say the same. I was angry. I was upset. Could they not say a few words? For example, "Aaji passed away. We are all very sad. It happened at so and so hour. Take care of yourself." or another example - just freaking cry!

But this is how we are. We are Indians. We take pride in protecting our kids from emotions. We take pride in not crying. We think too much display of emotions(especially crying) is a sign of weakness. We don't believe in TALKING about emotions. What's the point? We always want to be practical, right?

They went to the extent of not letting me face any of it. It was all out of love and care for me, but they stopped me from leaving for India even then. In the end, battling with my emotions and family and with the airline website for tickets, I gave up. I decided to go to work next day and put an end to the misery I was putting myself through.

Now came my worries. My grandmother, who was my mother's mother, was like the glue that binds my family together. Not that we fought with each other when she wasn't around, but she definitely played a huge role in organizing family dinners and bringing everyone in one place. The whole world always came to see her and she was the most famous personality in my maternal side of relatives. She was the center of our little family universe. Will we all be the same without her? Who will I call to get the family news? Who will be the one person who never feared crying in public or expressing love or sorrow or anger? Who will I call to tell exciting things in life? Who will I do everything I did so far for? (Please don't be a smart ass and answer one)

One of my friends said that it felt like I lost this one anchor person in my life and it left me dazed. Yes, I think that rightly summarizes it.

And then there was the past to ponder over. You know, I grew up at my aaji's place. Even when I moved out of her place and into my parents' own place, I kept visiting aaji every other day. There was not a time in my life when I was physically very far from her(except in the U.S.). She was always a part of everything in my life. She couldn't be separated from me nor could I be taken away from her. Sometimes I felt that my mother was jealous of how much time I spent at her place(kidding!) But that's how it was. She was my grandmother. Even better than my mother. She took care of me like a mother but was more easy going because she was not my mother :) I was her first grandchild and she always spoke of me affectionately. I hate to say this but I was her favorite grandchild. The oldest and the youngest always have that effect on people, right? I'm joking but I know she loved me more than I can imagine. She longed for me to visit her when I was away and when I visited her last year, she tried her best to keep me close to her. It used to be a fight between my mother and my grandmother over who gets to feed me and who makes me sleep over at their place. Fun times!

I can't imagine going back to her house now. I can't imagine that she won't be there to welcome me with open arms. She won't be there to feed me her special food. She won't be there to just sleep right next to me and talk forever. You know, she was the coolest grandmother ever! She was so cool that she hadn't asked me to get married yet. Someone asked her about me once and she said, "She's too young!"

There are all these memories and then there is that memory of what I imagined in the last few days. The memory of her smiling faintly when she saw me on video, that of her crying when I said goodbye, and that of her in that night sky when she flew away like an angel trying to reach out to me.

I miss her. I'll miss her even more when I go home. I'm scared of not being able to deal with that house without her. I'm scared of NEVER being able to deal with her passing away. One day I hope that I will be at peace with her death and overcome the fear of the empty space she has left behind.

I love you aaji. I hope you are, now, cured. I always believed you could be.